the first lesson

sometimes, i was less important than the mess in your life.

you could leave me alone because of everything you were dealing with. and because of everything you were dealing with, i ended up leaving myself behind too. you could get busy and forget about me for a month, while i could spend an entire year hurting over being forgotten.

when no one treated my feelings like they mattered, i stopped treating them like they mattered too.

i still skip meals. i still stay up all night working. i am still too used to being the bin where other people dump their emotions. i still carry the insecurities you gave me without even realizing it, even though i have tried so many times to free myself from them.

it seems like you are doing better now, while i am still standing in the same place.

you learned how to love another girl. you learned to buy flowers on anniversaries, to smile in photos, to make her feel safe... all the things you were never very good at when you were with me.

and i am happy for you.

(the truth is, those things should not really need to be learned. when people love each other, they usually know how to make each other feel loved.)

i am happy that you finally learned what love is.

maybe i was only the first lesson.

a lesson you will never look back on.

someone less important than whatever mess happened to be in your life.